Is this okay

Is this okay

writing out my feelings my thoughts my experiences in a public forum

for the chance to be cross-examined by any number of people I will never know

in some narcissistic attempt to find myself through the validation of strangers and so-called friends

Is it okay that this is my form of therapy

Is it okay that I’ve never been to therapy even though I think I might really need it

Is it okay that I don’t want to go because I know I will cry and I don’t like to cry in front of people even though sometimes it can’t be helped

Is it okay that I mainly cry alone in my room whenever I feel sorry for myself even though that may be one of the most selfish and pitiful things you’ve ever heard

Is it okay that the one time I went for counseling I was in college and had an emotional breakdown right before my appointment because I didn’t know what I could or should say but ended up saying everything and feeling like nothing and never tried again

Is it okay that I don’t know if I’m depressed or if I’ve ever been depressed because I keep reading about how other people have it worse and that depression isn’t about being sad and that’s what I’ve been a lot of times just sad

Is it okay that I have learned to hate myself from a very young age

Is it okay that I learned to articulate my feelings of worthlessness from a very young age

Is it okay that I was so afraid of being criticized or getting in trouble I would rather stay silent and invisible

Is it okay that I have spent most of my life silent and invisible during the times when I should have spoken and let myself be seen

Is it okay that for most of my life I was so afraid of failing that I would never even try and ended up failing anyway

Is it okay that every time I cried as a child they said I was being a weak attention-seeking brat

Is it okay that I didn’t cry when my father died of cancer when I was six going on seven

Is it okay that time and time again I have found myself friendless and alone

Is it okay that I learned to never keep people too close to my heart

Is it okay that I learned to never really miss people

Is it okay that I’m really good at burning bridges with people

Is it okay that my family would indirectly tell me how ugly I was

Is it okay that I associated my physical ugliness with my self-worth

Is it okay that I spent most of high school feeling ugly and worthless

Is it okay that I decided I wouldn’t kill myself because I didn’t want anyone to see my ugly and worthless corpse

Is it okay that I threatened to take pills and kill myself in front of my sibling who laughed and told me to chill

Is it okay that I spent most of college feeling ugly and worthless and useless until I got really tired of feeling ugly and worthless and useless and knew something should change

Is it okay that I still sometimes feel ugly and worthless and useless

Is it okay that I have this deeply rooted fear of never amounting to anything and that this fear overwhelms me even more now that I’m an adult approaching my thirties

Is it okay that my mother has made me feel ugly and worthless and useless

Is it okay that it might be because she herself feels ugly and worthless and useless

Is it okay that I was conditioned to be afraid of my mother

Is it okay that my mother hit us when we were young

Is it okay that my mother screamed and cursed at us

Is it okay that my mother makes violent threats to keep us in line

Is it okay that my mother makes us feel guilty to keep us in check

Is it okay that suicide gets so casually mentioned in our household

Is it okay that I suggested my mother go to counseling once in my broken Khmer and she screamed and cried at me in response

Is it okay that I don’t know when someone in my family will commit suicide or how I can stop it

Is it okay that I have family members who have had mental breakdowns and ended up in facilities

Is it okay that I have family who heavily rely on prescription drugs to get them through the day

Is it okay to keep silent about a sexual predator in the family because the victim has asked you not to tell

Is it okay that no one in my family really talks about any of this

Is it okay that I don’t really know how to talk about any of this

Is it okay that talking about this makes me feel like a weak attention-seeking brat

Is it okay that I don’t know what to do

Is it okay that I think this is part of a bigger picture

Is it okay that I’m sharing things beyond my control

Is it okay that this is all I can think to do

Is it okay

Is this okay

Is any of this okay

Am I okay

Tell me I’m okay

Tell me

Tell me this is okay

Is this okay?

Is this okay?

Is this okay?

Are you okay with this?

Okay.

One thought on “Is this okay

  1. I don’t know that anything is okay, but it is the current reality. We can choose to change what we can change, and accept or dismiss the rest. There is always someone out there who “has it worse” but that doesn’t mean that your situation is invalid, or that nobody should care.

    I’ve told you before – small steps. When you look back, do you see how far you’ve come? If you can’t tell how far you’ve come, then some new glasses (or perspective) may be in order.

    Crying alone is not the most selfish or pitiful thing. It’s a human thing. Sometimes you need to cry to let it out; it’s okay to let yourself feel everything when you’re in a comfortable, safe space – even if that only space is in your room when you’re alone.

    I don’t really know how to talk about any of this either.
    Words may be easier, and yet more difficult than actions, sometimes.

    You know where to find me if you want to talk or not talk. ❤

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