I’ll hit you up, he texts you.
Okay, you text back
even though
you know this usually means
you will never hear from him again.
When did you become so expendable.
Your friends tell you you’re amazing.
You’re too smart for those guys, they say.
Nobody’s good enough for you.
You want to scream and curse,
tell them to shut up
because it’s a version of the truth
that doesn’t ease the ache
for another warm body,
that is harder to swallow
when disappointment and sadness
are your most loyal companions,
the ones who ride with you in cars
and curl up in bed with you at night.
Instead you smile at your friends
and practice gratitude
for their collective,
effortless ability
to look you in the eyes
and let such reckless words
fall from their mouths.
It’s a more loving pain
than the things said to you
by boys.
You have learned
quite brutally
that boys
will have no trouble saying
1) things they don’t mean,
2) things they only mean in the moment
but never again,
and 3) things they do mean
that will unravel you
and leave you sick in the head,
and all of this
is done much more easily
when they never have to face you
when you are reduced to
a string of deletable messages
in their phones
instead of an angry girl
standing before them
demanding to know why.
Why take the time to hurt you IRL
when they can hurt you via SMS?
Apathy is better served
from a distance,
is it not?
That’s all they are.
Their words haunt you.
Their silence keeps you up at night.
You become crazy
and confused,
fall out of love
with yourself.
What do you want?
You are too emotional for sex
and too heartless for love.
What can you want?
You want quiet.
Not the sharp silence
of words left unsaid
or promises you pulled
from half-hearted lines,
so quickly torn to shreds.
You want his pretty face
and warm, wordless body
to come inside.
He never has to say a thing.
You let him in.
Lead the way,
and he follows.
He can watch you with soft eyes,
smile as he pleases,
kiss you as you arch
your back in pleasure.
But nothing should ever come
crawling out of his mouth,
forcing its way into your chest,
choking your heart
into cruelly remembering
that it is more
than just
a sac
of blood

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