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Tinderp Tale #14: Let’s (Not) Learn Cambodian!

Once in a while, I long for the ability to talk with my mother about my dating life. I want to be able to complain to her about fuckboys, ask for her advice on whether I should keep seeing someone I feel ambivalent about, cry to her about my shitty first time, the works. Unfortunately, this wish will always remain a fantasy, planted in my head by Western media depictions of mothers and daughters who don’t face linguistic and cultural barriers that could hinder their relationship the way they’ve long hindered my own relationship with my mother. In addition to these barriers was my mother’s apparent apathy on the matter. Not once has she ever tried to ask me about my romantic misadventures. She’ll occasionally wonder when I’ll get a husband, but seems to have zero interest in knowing about the journey it would take to find someone I would want to marry (and vice versa). Not that I’ve ever actually been on that journey or anything. I was having a hard enough time trying to find someone who wanted to see me past five dates, never mind someone with lifetime potential.

I wonder if my mother’s disinterest stems from the naive assumption that I am an innocent virgin who has never been on a date. Which, to be fair, was a mostly accurate assumption until about five years ago. (I was still a virgin then, but went on a bunch of dates for the first time–and was a lot more optimistic and wholesome about it compared to later years.) Or maybe my mother thinks I’m a hoe and when she tells me “Stop spending money and going out, you need to settle down,” it’s really code for “Stop being a hoe.”

But Ma, I would say. I haven’t even started being a hoe. At least let me give it a shot first!

Just kidding. There would never be a conversation with my mother in which that would be considered a relevant or funny response. More importantly, I had no idea how to say “let me try being a hoe” in Khmer.

I wonder what she would say if I could somehow tell her about losing my virginity. About the asshole who clumsily and selfishly took it, then blamed me for letting him when I told him how he hurt me. About endless nights of crying my eyes out until my chest hurt and my bed was littered with soggy tissues.

What would she say?

Well, that’s what you get for spreading your legs. 

tinderp 14.1f

Okay, so maybe my mother and I are better off not talking about this kind of stuff after all.

Anyway, I bring all of this up to say that the disconnect with my Khmer roots is something that has deeply and painfully colored my lived experiences, even though I haven’t really addressed this subject in relation to my dating stories. I mean, it rarely comes up with the guys I meet up with, because talking about the dissonance and trauma of Cambodian diasporic identity isn’t exactly in the top 10 list of hot topics to discuss on a first date. I had also never been on a date or even in a flirtationship with a Cambodian dude–the only potentially romantic situations I could see in which this heavy subject would be culturally relevant to unpack. (Okay, so there was that one guy Minh, but eh, he doesn’t really count.) The dearth of Cambodian dating prospects wasn’t some intentional self-hating thing either. It had more to do with my passivity when it came to interacting with guys, a lack of access to a Cambodian American social circle or community, and the fact that Cambodian Americans are a minority even when only considering Asian America.

However, on a coincidental and meaningless day at the end of 2016, I finally stumbled across a fellow Cambodian American on Tinder whom I will henceforth refer to as Ricky. I have to admit, I was not aware that Ricky was Cambodian when I first looked at his pictures. (Modern day Cambodians are a multiethnic people, okay.) I swiped right because he looked like a cute, vaguely brown boy to me, which was sufficient enough to pique my interest. He was the one who brought up ethnicity immediately.


You matched with Ricky on 12/21/16

Ricky

Are you Khmer?


Me

Yup how’d you guess


Ricky

One of your pictures with the dress was a good clue. Do you know the culture and language well?


Me

Kind of. I speak it conversationally. I’m not as close to my roots as I would like to be but it can’t be helped at this point.

What’s your ethnicity? [yes I know, I was a little slow to catch on ok]


Ricky

I feel you on that. I wish I could speak conversationally, but Ive lost it through the years. Take a guess on my ethnicity


Cue my epiphany.


Me

Wait, are you Khmer? Lol. My next guess would be Filipino


Ricky

Ya, Im Khmer. Ive been mistaken for Filipino though. Being able to speak it, youre closer to the roots than I am lol. Whats missing?


Me

You mean how am I disconnected from my roots?


Ricky

Ya, thats what I meant, sorry


This was an unnecessarily profound question to ask a stranger you literally just met on a shitty dating app, the kind of question I would typically evade answering 100% honestly. But he was the first legit Cambodian guy I had met through online dating, even if his refusal to use apostrophes was sort of annoying the fuck out of me. I ultimately decided our shared cultural identity made this question affirming rather than problematic, and responded from a place of genuine vulnerability.


Me

I’m just really Americanized/Westernized. I had some Khmer friends when I was young but they weren’t good friends so we either drifted apart or I cut them out of my life. I spent most of my life reading and writing in English and even got a degree in it. The few Khmer people I run into don’t recognize me as Khmer. And although I grew up on Buddhism, I’m not very spiritual.

It’s not that I’m ashamed of being Khmer or anything. But I do feel a degree of separation from my heritage. Earlier this year I went to Cambodia with my mom and her friend and while I’m glad I went, I did feel like an outsider most of the time that I was there

So what’s your identity crisis story lol


Ricky

Your story sounds similar to mines [sic]. Im very Americanized, even though I grew up around a lot of Khmer people. I understood and could speak the language when I was younger, but now I don’t understand many words and cant speak it properly. However, I was always shy/quiet, with introverted tendencies, when I was younger so it made things worse. I also grew up Buddhist, but I consider myself more Agnostic. My mother is very religious so I only do religious things for her sake. I dont really fit in with Khmer people, but I can somewhat relate based on experiences. Cant say Ive ever been to Cambodia though, lol. Has this identity crisis for you always been there or did it somehow get worst [sic] recently?


Me

Yeah introversion played a big factor in my disconnect too.

It’s always been a thing for me. Just having a lot of complicated feelings about being Khmer American. I think I came to terms with certain things eventually. But the identity crisis did get worse in Cambodia, not gonna lie. Idk. This year has been a tough one for me. Something definitely changed when I came back, I kinda feel like I lost some part of myself somehow. Or like visiting there made me realize how deep my loss was, if that makes sense.

Yeahhhh emo stuff going on lol we can change the subject if you want


He reassured me that he was fine with whatever I wanted to talk about, which was kind of him. Our conversation went on to explore introversion further, then lapsed into a bleak discussion of what a post-Trump-elect era would look like:


Me

I think sadly many reproductive rights, civil rights, and environmental protections will be rolled back or undermined. Hate crimes will continue at an unprecedented rate and [be] sanctioned by the state since Trump has a bunch of racists in his cabinet. Deportations and the wealth gap will probably increase. And we may get into a war or two. Ugh


Ricky

Sounds on par with conservative values and the 1% screwing over the 99%. Republican states will most likely feel the full brunt of it though, case in point, the current political climate of North Carolina. Globally, things are going to look scary for everyone.


I found myself enjoying this intellectual exchange. Apparently he did too, because he asked me out.


Ricky

We should grab a drink sometime and get to know each other better in person


You know someone’s interested if they’re talking to your random ass from Tinder on Christmas Day. I happily seconded his idea to meet up.

tinderp 14.2

He admitted he didn’t go out often, and asked if I had any suggestions. I proposed Lost and Found, a cool bar I had found out about through my brief stint with Meetup (which is the worst mechanism for making friends/getting laid when you suffer from the double whammy of introversion and social anxiety–just speaking from experience). Ricky and I made plans to meet there on a Tuesday night, just two days later.

I felt somewhat hopeful about this date. Hopeful enough to dress really cute, anyway. I had on some tight-fitting pants I purchased for just $4 from a market in Cambodia, a floral sweater I borrowed from my mom, and a dab of coral lipstick on my mouth. What if Ricky and I hit it off? Transformed our bonding over identity crises into some cathartic fucking? What if he was cool enough to introduce to my mom? Wouldn’t she be delighted at her daughter bringing home a Cambodian dude? Wouldn’t that mean I had finally succeeded in her eyes?

I spotted a lone figure outside the bar as I walking over. Ricky…was a bit smaller than expected, but he would have to do. “Hey,” I greeted him.

“Hey, I think this place is closed,” he said.

The bar was dark and empty and very much closed. Oh, shit.

“Oh, shit. Goddamnit. Okay…” I used my phone to look up the nearest bar on Yelp that was currently open. “Oh, how about Luka’s?” Luka’s Taproom and Lounge was a pretty popular place for drinks and food; I had only frequented it once but didn’t recall anything negative about my experience.

Ricky consented to meeting there instead. On the way there, we made sporadic small talk, but for the most part, I focused on getting us to our new destination. Luka’s was literally just a street over from Lost and Found, but I didn’t trust my geographically challenged ass to take us there on my own and was relying on Google Maps to guide me. Once we arrived, we made a beeline for an empty table in the back and seated ourselves. After a waiter took our order, Ricky and I resumed our small talk. I soon found out that he was living at home with his parents because he was taking a break from school and work. This turned me off. Immensely. Like, what the hell was he doing on this date? Shouldn’t he be at home working on his existential crisis? Could he even afford to be on this date? Was he gonna ask me to foot the bill?

A part of me was aware that this was a very classist and reactionary response, and that he might have been taking a break from productivity for the sake of his mental health  or some other totally valid reason, but the other parts of me didn’t have the patience or optimism or even the compassion to give Ricky the benefit of the doubt. I remained turned off for the rest of the evening. Or rather, the rest of the hour, because I definitely didn’t stay for much longer.

It wasn’t just because he didn’t have a job. Ricky reminded me of a little boy–not necessarily because of his petiteness, but because of his demeanor. He was meek, quiet, hesitant. I didn’t like this at all. Ricky had mentioned being shy and introverted in our messages, but I still expected the charm of his personality to shine through somehow. Where was the guy who talked so knowledgeably and confidently to me on Tinder? I found myself comparing him unfavorably to Nick, the asshole who devirginized me. At least Nick had carried himself with the self-assurance of a grown man, even if he was an asshole.

Ricky’s communication style was also throwing me off. At a certain point it started to feel less like a conversation, and more like an interview. He would ask me question after question without really commenting on anything I said, and giving me no time to ask him something in return. It was weird. This dynamic was also probably due to his shyness, but again, I didn’t have the capacity to really sympathize. It then dawned on me mid-conversation that I had never been given this much space to talk about myself on a date with a dude. I decided in that moment to take advantage of this opportunity. Why not? Fuck wasting my time and energy trying to peel back his layers and coax out his true self, whatever that was. This dude was lackluster as fuck, and I was a badass bitch. So I rolled with it. I talked on and on and on about my passion for writing, my interests, my anticlimactic history of online dating. I laughed at my own jokes and gave unnecessary details I would have normally kept to myself. I had zero fucks to give. Maybe my assholishness would ensure his lack of interest.

tinderp 14.3

Nope. After splitting the bill, Ricky offered to walk me to my car. I humored him so I didn’t come off as totally rude. When we got to my car, he asked, “Is it okay if I kiss you?”

“Oh, uh…no,” I said, smiling and getting into my car before the chastened look on his face could leave an imprint on my conscience. I drove away without looking back.

Of course, I was kind of bummed that my Cambodian lover fantasy didn’t end up coming to fruition, and that I had wasted one whole cute ass outfit on some dude I was never gonna see again. And yeah, it would have been nice to date someone whom I could share a history of intergenerational trauma and diasporic Southeast Asian identity with–someone I could have eventually introduced my mom to without being burdened with more worries about the linguistic and cultural barriers that have haunted me all my life. But hey, at least Ricky and I would always have our one cultural bonding moment from the time before. Before he asked me to kiss him, and I declined. Before he realized he was attracted to me, and I realized I wasn’t attracted to him. Before I walked over to him waiting outside Lost and Found and came face-to-face with a disappointing human being, instead of a charming paragraph of carefully chosen words on my phone screen.

Sometimes the Internet is better, and real life ruins everything.

tl;dr Learkana is emotionally fucked up from losing her virginity and goes on another meaningless date in an attempt to fill the void in her heart and her vagina!

Now it’s time for…

RATE THAT DATE VENUE!
Venue: Luka’s Taproom & Lounge
Rating: ***
Review: It’s a decent place to chill with a date or friends, but definitely not my go-to. The aesthetic is too basic. I need divey, eclectic, or upscale–nothing in-between.

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Shedding Light: Reflections on Deconstructing Light-Skinned Privilege from Within

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when colorism began to seep into my consciousness. But one childhood memory stands out, in grainy detail: I am young, elementary school age, sitting in the living room with my mother and watching a Khmer karaoke video of a woman singing to her lover. My mother tries to explain to me what the song is about. The language barrier between us likely eclipses any complete and nuanced understanding, but I am left with the impression that the woman is singing about her dark complexion, and how she remains worthy of his love in spite of the color of her skin.

“But she’s not even dark,” I point out.

My mother shakes her head. “They wouldn’t cast an actual dark-skinned girl for the video.”

Something uneasily clicked into place at that moment for me. It stirred whenever my mother made self-deprecating comments about her own brown skin. It stirred when she fussed over putting on powder 5 shades lighter than her actual skin tone before we took any pictures, or when strangers who knew my mother saw me and said to her (in Khmer), “Your daughter has such fair skin. She’s pretty, like a Japanese girl.” Sometimes Korean would be offered instead of Japanese, but never Cambodian, where my cultural roots lie.

“She takes after her dad,” my mother would usually reply to comments like this. When I was younger, these compliments about my skin were bearable, even flattering to me. I would smile and say thank you with ease, up until my early twenties, when the discomfort broke through the surface and revealed its true colors with the help of an increasing social and political consciousness, provided to me by a rewarding albeit pricey women’s college education. This discomfort hardened into an unsettling truth: I have light-skinned privilege, and every time I allow someone to uphold it, I am rejecting my heritage and the woman who brought me into this world.

The funny thing is, I had never been fully sold on the belief that light skin is more beautiful or desirable than dark skin, even though I was raised by a mother who had internalized it to her own detriment. Perhaps I hadn’t completely bought into the lie of colorism because I was raised by a dark-skinned mother. Why would I forsake my own mother and her beauty? I thought the color of one’s skin played an arbitrary role in determining someone’s attractiveness or worth. I found people of all hues beautiful. Ironically enough, this rationale may have enabled me to downplay my own complicity and culpability in an existing hierarchy of skin color. Once when I was in high school, my mother told me a Cambodian girl in my grade had won the beauty pageant at the local temple. “You could tell she couldn’t speak any Khmer, but she has fair skin. The other two girls were dark-skinned and had no chance,” she said.

I was frustrated by the news. Shamefully, it was less about the colorism than it was knowing that this Cambodian girl who had won on the technicality of her skin tone was more Americanized than I was. She can’t even speak Khmer, I thought bitterly. I’m more connected to my roots than her. I should win. Never minding the fact that I rarely went to the temple, had no idea this pageant existed until my mother had told me about it, and would have won on the technicality of my skin tone as well.

Perhaps my lack of self-awareness stemmed from the shade of my complexion sometimes being relative to the person perceiving it. Among my mother’s Cambodian friends, I am a light-skinned East Asian girl. Among my biracial white and Asian friends, I am tan, brown, dark. With the former, I am put on a pedestal within the colorism spectrum. With the latter, I am knocked down from it.

Two years ago, I visited Cambodia for the first time with my mother, who hadn’t been to her homeland since she left over thirty years ago as a refugee fleeing the brutal Khmer Rouge regime.  It was heartwarming to meet villagers who had grown up with my mother; these were people who had known her before the trauma of war and death had sunk into her soul. But whenever my mother introduced me as her daughter, some of the women would compliment me on my light skin and in response, I would smile awkwardly and mumble a thanks, guilt twisting my insides. My Khmer is limited, and I didn’t have the words or wit to tackle the colorism that occurred in those moments. Once, I looked at my mother’s still expression during one of these exchanges, and briefly wondered if each compliment directed at her daughter’s skin meant a tiny cut etched into her heart.

This inner turmoil rose up again when we visited the big fancy mall in the capital. White and light-skinned models stared at me from every advertisement, in direct contrast to a majority of the people who were shopping there. It rose up again when we stopped by a convenience store, its hygiene care aisle lined with whitening products. Witnessing all of this made me angry, sick. Witnessing this and silently struggling in my light-skinned body, with my colonized tongue, made me even more angry and sick.

I have seen debates over whether or not colorism is derived from white supremacy and colonialism. Some say it came before, and has more to do with classism than racism. I think these debates are mostly unproductive, especially if they begin and end there. In my mind, whether or not one came before the other, and whether one is more like another, is besides the point. Systems of oppression don’t operate in silos. White supremacy/colonialism/racism, colorism, and classism/capitalism work in tandem. They intersect and overlap to cast a wider net of dehumanization, one that has historically and consistently harmed poor, dark-skinned people of color the most. This is evident by who we see represented on the screen, on magazine covers, at proverbial tables—and who is not. People of color who can manifest an approximation of whiteness, whether through lighter skin, speaking Standard American English, possessing physical features classified as European, or having “good” hair (read: hair like a white person’s), are more likely to be provided with platforms where we can be seen and heard, which in turn can provide us with easier access to social and monetary capital. This is a triangulation of colorism, racism, and classism at work. For women and femmes of color, whose perceived value is primarily rooted in the colonization and objectification of our bodies due to white supremacist patriarchy, this becomes an even more complicated configuration of oppression.

I think a more useful question is: How can people who bear less or zero of societal burdens leverage their privileges to dismantle these systems of oppression? How do I, as a Southeast Asian woman with light-skinned privilege, use this privilege to combat the colorism that undermines the day-to-day lives of my dark-skinned family, friends, and community members?

I am still exploring these questions, but I know it starts with me. Me, unlearning the toxic notion that my light skin is inherently more desirable or valuable than comparably darker skin. Me, resisting narratives that uplift Eurocentric standards of beauty. Me, decentering myself when it comes to narratives that uplift the multifaceted beauty of API women. Me, learning to love and celebrate myself without throwing my dark-skinned sisters and femmes under the bus. Me, embracing the beauty of dark skin without fetishizing it.

I ask that my fellow light-skinned API sisters and femmes practice the same critical consciousness by taking a deep and honest look at who we choose to engage with in relation to skin color. What are the primary skin complexions of our role models, possibility models, and models for beauty? What are the primary skin complexions of our celebrity crushes, our sexual partners, our romantic partners, and our friends? If the answers to these questions reveal an implicit preference for lighter skin, we must ask ourselves why, and unlearn this harmful mode of being. Are we calling people in/out for perpetrating colorism, including ourselves? Are we pushing back on the person who tries to compliment us because we are light-skinned, or the person who disses our dark-skinned sisters and femmes in a misguided attempt to bond over deeply entrenched colorism?  Are we checking ourselves every time we post pictures in the name of self-love and making sure our beauty praxis isn’t centered on how closely we can mirror whiteness?

How can we do more to uplift the beauty and talents of our dark-skinned sisters and femmes? How can we appreciate our beauty as women of color without relying on controlling images and narratives that privilege light skin over dark skin? These are questions worth reflecting on as API women with lighter skin. If we truly believe in solidarity with and liberation from the struggles we face because of racism and sexism, then we must be able to confront ourselves and use our privilege to banish colorism, both outside and within.

Every time I think back to those moments when I was told I was beautiful because of my lighter skin, I cringe. Next time, I want to be prepared. I want to say, “Thank you, but I’m not beautiful because of my skin color. I’m beautiful because of the woman who made me.”

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Whitewashed

I’m sitting in a cafe/donut shop in downtown Oakland, waiting for my plain bagel with butter to be ready. I can hear the workers speaking in Khmer to each other–gossiping, it sounds like. Their words are too quick for me to catch, plus my hearing in general is terrible. The woman speaks with a clipping accent that makes it harder for me to register her words. She mentions her husband a couple of times, which makes me realize that the man who is listening to her is not, in fact, her husband. I sit at a table and quietly eavesdrop as I always do, feeling like both an insider and outsider. It’s strange to me, the secret I am passively keeping from them: that I, too, am Khmer.

I’ve been sporadically ordering breakfast and eating lunch at this place for the past year, and I have yet to “out” myself as Cambodian. I’m hoping, as always, that a person could just take one look at me and be able to tell. That rarely happens. It’s not like I’ve been intentionally hiding my Cambodian identity. My face, skin tone, and last name do that for me rather effortlessly–camouflage passed on by my father, who was born and raised in Cambodia but was of Chinese and Vietnamese descent. These days, I have no trouble bringing up my race as a conversation topic, but only when it seems relevant. How relevant can it be when I am handing over crumpled bills with a timid smile that is met by eyes that look away and on to the next customer?

I’ve succeeded in other places. A Cambodian grocery store clerk made the realization when she looked at the name on my debit card and saw past the poorly anglicized spelling. A Cambodian waiter realized when he asked for my name after I placed an order for noodles over the phone and I answered, “Leh!keh-nah.” When the opportunity arises, I seize it. But at this donut shop, the opportunity to flash my Cambodian identity has never materialized. They never ask for my name. They only accept cash, eliminating the possibility of having them deduce my race from my card. They barely acknowledge me, a reminder that they will never need to know I am Khmer. It doesn’t matter in this situation. Right?

I suppose if it bothers me that much, I could work in a Khmer phrase. Say thank you, or ask how much something costs. Then they would know for sure. I have thought about this on occasion, but every time I refrain. It feels too contrived, too unnecessary, and too late.

And anyway, what is the point of misleading them into thinking I speak Khmer, when the truth is I can barely carry a conversation in it, when the other truth is that the only person I have ever felt truly comfortable speaking Khmer with is my mother and even then, every verbal exchange I have with her is a reminder of my failures and losses?

And besides, wasn’t I used to this? The Khmer kids at my high school never knew I was Khmer, except maybe a couple of people who forgot as soon as I mentioned it. There was the classmate who spoke to me in Khmer only to talk shit about people she didn’t like, but her deeply entrenched internalized racism and low self-esteem made me keep my distance. I didn’t want to be pulled in by the promise of community, only to be broken apart. That was what happened in my childhood. Alienated by unfriendly, authoritarian elders and emotionally abusive girls on the playground, I retreated into books written by, for, and about white people. That was where I made my home, and that was where I lost some sense of myself I never knew mattered until now.

Whitewashed. It stung when my (non-Cambodian) friend reduced me to this word in casual conversation, although it isn’t as if I hadn’t referred to myself as this a million times before. It just hurts more when I hear it outside my head, because outside my head, it’s divorced from a slew of thoughts and feelings made complicated by my identity, my worldview, my heritage, my family, and the bigger issues–colonialism, racism, diaspora.

“Your bagel ready now,” the woman finally tells me in English. I get up, thank her in English, pay her, and leave. As I walk back to work, I wonder: can someone really just read my body and define me by whatever they take away from it, and nothing more? Can someone so easily take one look at me and assume what or who I am? And does that become all that I am?

Just then, a man comes up to me and says, as politely as a stranger on the street can be, “I have a question…”

I brace myself. He’s going to hit on me.

“…do you speak Cantonese?”

I look at him, startled yet not at all surprised. “No.”

“Oh okay,” he says. “I just need something translated…” He’s smiling very hard, trying his best to non-verbally relay the message that his question was innocuous.

“Sorry, I don’t speak Cantonese,” I tell him again, apologizing for failing to validate his incorrect assumptions about me.

He walks away. I watch him ask another Asian woman, who shakes her head. I wonder if she is Korean or Japanese before I realize there’s no point in speculating.

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Trigger Warning

It seems that

in America,

there are two things that Cambodians are known for:

1) genocide,

and 2) donuts.

Let’s talk about genocide.

You don’t want to?

Me neither,

but on occasion it’ll get pushed onto me

the most shameful thing is that I don’t want to

because I don’t know how

yet sometimes I feel

it’s the only thing I can latch onto–

another scar to round out my collection.

But you see, you read me wrong

I’m not the book you’re looking for

these pages, missing from mine

and stolen from my mother’s

whose silence speaks volumes

because sometimes a condition of knowing

is not being able to tell

and it’s telling how I have nothing to show.

Truth doesn’t always translate over generations

and it seems a perverse act of overcompensation

to memorize the logistics of a genocide by heart,

just so I can try to impress with my best rhetorical dress

and a historically accurate palette of depressing facts

to paint our small talk in shades of pretense.

At the end of the day, I’m not the one

My mother is

one of many

and to this day, I still can’t say how it was

or who she was

when and after it happened.

It’s not a conversation to be had.

We don’t have that many conversations to start with,

but that’s another story of loss I’ve told in other places.

I did ask her once,

the end result a hastily written essay (B+)

about an experience that had been diluted,

all the grit washed out.

Later, I wrote a slightly more meditative poem (A+)

about the experience of writing a diluted essay

about my mother and her experience, all washed out–you see how far removed I am?

It’s hard to transcribe trauma when you haven’t survived it,

when you don’t know the right words–no, literally you don’t know the right words

because understanding each other is always a game of tug o’ war.

But how many ways can you unpack a genocide?

How many times can my heart break in the same place,

or does this open a fresh wound every time?

3 years ago I watched Enemies Of The People.

I hated how one of the perpetrators could sit there at the very end,

old and fragile and weak,

and say he had no idea

no idea

that the murder of his people was happening right under his nose.

But he is very sorry, he says–

an afterthought in the guise of an apology,

a sentiment that rings hollow like the human skulls he scattered,

an excuse he made himself believe.

Just last month, I watched The Killing Fields of Dr. Haing S. Ngor:

his journey from doctor to victim to survivor to celebrity

And I wondered how hers compared to his.

Given his class and profession,

perhaps for him, the trauma cut deeper

perhaps for her, already in the throes of poverty,

the Killing Fields were more or less the same:

grueling labor and hunger pains.

I don’t know.

I will never know.

Ngor brings up the rape of children and women in his clunky English;

rape’s always a part of it.

My mind goes there

the sinister recesses of my imagination

forced onto my mother in broken possibility–

that’s when I start crying.

Because the truth is,

I don’t know,

I will never know,

I would never ask

and she would never tell.

Following that, I watched Don’t Think I’ve Forgotten:

the story of Cambodia’s rock ‘n’ roll scene and how genocide ruined it.

Genocide,

but through a softer lens,

highlighting the death of not only a people, but a culture.

My ears heard familiar songs

recalled from a time when I was young

and my mother still believed in me

These songs came from colorful compact discs

with vintage faces belonging to those

whose lives were extinguished in ways my kid self could not fathom.

I never felt what death meant, let alone murder

let alone murder one million, two million times over,

or maybe falling in between

or even stretching beyond–

an elusive number that changes

but not the tragic outcome.

It seems that,

when it comes to the Cambodian Holocaust,

there are two questions people keep asking:

1) How could this happen?

and 2) Why did this happen?

People and narratives chasing each other in circles

round and round

but isn’t the answer obvious?

I think to myself.

It’s blind obedience to authority

It’s lack of accountability, blame forever being displaced.

It’s the same configurations of power

masculinized ideas of glory

enacted through violence

silence

ignorance

dominance

Why is history always the same?

It’s colonialism, imperialism, nothing new:

White people saving brown people from themselves.

The shadow of France and the bombs of the U.S.

tucked away in the backdrop of these retellings,

barely implicated.

But the Khmer people did it to themselves, someone would say.

And I would ask, what usually happens when you have no power,

when you have nothing to lose and everything to gain,

when living already feels like death

and your entire world

is slowly erased

and being made in another’s likeness?

This is not validation or vindication

in any way shape or form,

I repeat,

this is not

validation

or vindication

in any way shape or form,

but maybe this is another case of brown people

wanting to be the center of their own story

even if it meant being the villains.

But what would I know?

I speak

from the subaltern mother

who has a daughter

who has a degree

in the colonizer’s tongue.

But I will end with this:

It seems that,

in my mind,

there are two truths about genocide:

1) it’s the fault of no one,

and 2) it’s the fault of everyone.

0

Model Minority

She grew up in a ghetto. By ghetto she means a neighborhood where a bunch of poor, mostly Hispanic/Latino and Southeast Asian immigrant families lived, where the sounds of gunshots and wailing sirens were woven into the fabric of their frayed and tangled community. Minorities were the majority here. Black, Asian, and Latino kids alike were racist to one another, but it’s not really racist when everyone’s identity had nothing to gain from hating on each other. Poverty begets violence. She didn’t realize she was poor at the time, though. Poor meant starving in a developing nation. She was never starving–there was always a cup of noodles or corndogs to microwave, at least, when her mother didn’t feel like cooking.  And sure, the blonde ESL lady who kept treating her like she didn’t know English would keep giving her clothes for her mother to wear, but so what. And she secretly hated it when they didn’t have to wear uniforms to school anymore because she didn’t have enough regular clothes to wear, but so what. And she always hated it when teachers gave her that dumb assignment of writing what you got for Christmas since she never got anything worth writing about for Christmas, so what, and Santa Claus could never be real because she never got what she wanted and their rat-and-roach infested apartment didn’t have a chimney, so what, and what would a white dude be doing at their home anyway unless he wanted to shove Christian dogma down their throats, fuck that, and she rarely invited friends over, out of embarrassment of how she lived, so what, and her dad died when she was seven so she and her three siblings depended solely on their mother who depended solely on social security so the family could scrape by, so what. She had a Nintendo 64, and people who had Nintendo 64s were not poor, so there.

She was submissive like you expected her to be. She was quiet. She was scared. Talking to people made her want to cry. Authority frightened her. They told her, she was smart. She wanted to do what she was told. Her mother told her to do what she was told. So, she became smart. She learned this meant talking like white people and trying not to sound like a FOB. Trying not to sound like her mother. Trying not to be her mother. Her mother had no power. She learned this when she was five years old, when the white teenage girl with the freckles across the street stole her toy harmonica and refused to give it back. She burst into tears. Her mother came out and yelled in her broken English. The white girl just laughed and mimicked the mother’s garbled language. It was a nice day. The sun was shining. The white girl was riding her bike in circles in the street, laughing. Laughing because she had the stupid toy harmonica, and the stupid little chink girl and her dumbass FOB mom couldn’t do anything about it.

Her mother couldn’t do anything normal moms did, she learned. Her mother couldn’t speak English. She couldn’t write it. She couldn’t read it. She couldn’t help her daughter with her homework. She couldn’t drive her kids to places, so they walked and took the bus, or caught rides with pitying acquaintances. She couldn’t give her daughter a heart-to-heart, the way mothers did on sitcoms. She couldn’t give her daughter the right apology, the way families did on sitcoms. They fought and she yelled at her mother, you didn’t say sorry. Her mother would say, I don’t know what you want from me, because she didn’t understand the weight of sorry to a child with weirdly built expectations of familial dynamics that stemmed from internalizing how the lives of white and black middle class families played out on TV.

Being raised by a poor immigrant mother meant accumulating cultural capital that was measly in quality and quantity. Going to the movie theater was a special occasion. Getting her own stereo from Walgreens when she was 11 was a big deal. She grew up on what her friends and older sister were listening to or watching: mainstream hip hop, r&b, rap, and pop, and whatever was available when you didn’t have cable or Internet (sometimes they had cable, when her mother felt like it, and later, there was Internet). Her mother had her Khmer CDs and tapes with the lyrics that were difficult to pick apart and understand, and there were those heteronormative Khmer karaoke videos and poorly dubbed Thai lakorns that normalized rape culture, which her mother loved to binge watch but she grew to dislike the older and more aware she got.

Her mother was, is crazy. She said so herself. She fled Cambodia when the Khmer Krah-hom took over and murdered two million of their own people. Silent genocide, no justice even now. You know how it is. They were killing intellectuals and she wasn’t one of them. She never finished elementary school, but it didn’t matter. She was a farmer at heart. She escaped to America, the land of the free, home of the brave. You know how they fall for it. She told them her name, Mey, and they changed it to May. They asked her for her birthdate, she got the calendars mixed up so that her official birthday on all her papers is 6 months off. She never got the hang of English; it broke into pieces in her mouth, blurred into strange spots before her eyes, flew over her head and never into her ears. She was living in a land where everyone and everything was barely intelligible to her. She got scared. She closed up. She lived a narrow box of a life. She depended on everyone else for everything, and she hated herself for it. But she survived. She adapted without adapting and she survived. She cleaned hotel bathrooms for a while, then stopped. She couldn’t work anymore. She decided she was crazy instead. Or she became crazy. Or she accepted her craziness. Who knows. Her children would never really know, their minds and their tongues would be colonized like the country to which she has yet to return. Perhaps, like her country, her children would break free, only to be destroyed by themselves. All four of them had inherited her trauma. They were always at each other’s throats. So angry, all the time. No reason, every reason, any reason. Volatile. Trying to kill each other, thinking about killing themselves. Verbal abuse became a form of affection. Crying became a favorite pastime. She taught them this, although she rarely wears the blame. You hold it inside of you, letting it rot and spoil, until it leaks out in an outpour of vitriol. This poison is immune to time and space, generations and diaspora. It festers in your soul, drips into your children’s souls. A cycle of disillusionment and despair, fueled by the silence, the silence stretching from your lips to theirs, because it is in the silence you are safe from others but never yourselves.

Her second daughter, she was the one with the most potential. Book smart, like her sister who had died of who-knows-what, long ago. But her daughter lacked sense. Book smart got you nowhere if you lacked sense. On second thought, they were all failures. Every single one of them. They did not know how to respect their mother, save money or, most important, respect their mother by saving money. Maybe she was crazy, maybe her teeth were rotting, maybe she relied too heavily on medication, maybe she sold drugs, maybe she dived into too many dumpsters, maybe she spent too much time looking in the mirror hoping her skin would get lighter, maybe she had post-traumatic stress disorder from the sociocultural upheaval of genocide or postpartum depression from all those goddamn kids or depression in general because her compulsive liar of a husband and her remaining sister were both murdered at the hands of cancer, and maybe she spent too many years hoarding love and illicit money and being stingy with both, maybe she was trapped in a place where she had no power outside of her rundown apartment, but in the end, she was right, and they were wrong. She clung to that truth and survived, staring longingly at pictures of the land and cows she had bought in Cambodia and which she dreamed of seeing someday in the flesh, before her death, the death she would casually foretell to her children to trigger the guilt complexes she had instilled in them.

In spite of and because of her tactics, the children were all leaving, one by one. She feared this. She still needed their shitty translation jobs, needed their proof of income, their abilities to drive cars and go to school and work and exist in white hegemony. And if their love was a byproduct or a cause of this, she would have it too. She never married again after their father died. She could not sleep alone, could not live alone. Yet she could never, would never, leave this niche of a life she had carved out for herself. It was expected that at least one of them would prove their worth to her by caring for her as she had for them. It was their turn now. Which one of these useless brats had what it took to dutifully help her as she lay crippled on the mat, unable to wipe the shit from her own ass?

Who knows what’s in the other children’s heads, but the second oldest is already bracing herself for the sacrifice, more self-absorbed than selfless. Her mother’s biggest aspiration for her was to be a secretary in an office, and lo and behold, she had fulfilled it. (Well, basically. “Administrative Assistant” has less demeaning connotations.) Too bad she had to waste all that time and money puttering around in some ridiculously expensive liberal arts college, doing Buddha-knows-what. Things like first generation and cum laude don’t mean shit. It only means she owes the government a lot of money, which means it’s going to take that much longer to buy a house for her mother like she had promised in her nightly prayers to her ancestors when she was little (prayers that were mostly dictated by her mother). But her mother was, is good at the waiting game. It’s how she survived all these years. Waiting her life out for who-knows-what.

She could try telling her mother, money isn’t everything. She could try telling her, if you’re such a money expert why are you still living in poverty and fuck capitalism and quit being such an emotionally and verbally abusive bitch and quit buying into eurocentric ideals of beauty and please go to therapy so we can stop being entangled in your trauma and you can start loving us better and maybe I can love you better and I hate how you’re always saying good things about us instead of saying good things to us and why the fuck are you saying shit about my college loans when you’re over here buying some stupid cows you have never actually seen, do you really fucking think that cows are more valuable than a college degree well maybe they are but we don’t live in that kind of world anymore so just fucking deal with it okay. She could try saying these things, but she would only fail, in every sense. And this is not that kind of story.

The point of leaving, it seems, is to return. She would move back in with her mother, because she had both the minimum amount of patience required to live with her mother, and the minimum number of Khmer words and syntax to understand her mother and have her mother understand her. She would not gripe about it. (At least, she would try to keep griping to a minimum.) She would come home and allow the tensions to fade, the grudges to die, the personal aspirations to dwindle away. At least for now. She would resign herself to this small box her mother is so resolute on living in. She tries looking on the bright side. They had been somewhat upwardly mobile. Her mother had been literally dirt poor, and her father too, it seemed–her mother said he never finished school either; they arrived in the U.S., found each other, started a family, and became a part of the rising welfare class; she, the second child, went on to a four-year college, stuck it out, and elevated herself to the working class upon graduation. That was a pretty big accomplishment, wasn’t it? A step backwards for her friends who had the luxury of growing up middle class, but a step forward for her. She didn’t get knocked up in high school. She made it past high school, even past college. She has a job now. She can buy proper Christmas gifts now. She has a car that isn’t a piece of shit. She understands the ways of white people bedding now, with sheets and a comforter and everything, and even knows what a sham is.

She thinks back to her childhood, to her mother surviving. Her mother, the survivor, and here she is, just wanting to live her life away from anything her mother would know or care about. She remembers seeing her mother down on the kitchen floor, scrubbing away with those smelly rags she insisted were clean. “You like to cook and clean?” her naive little girl self said. Her mother’s somber face looking back at her: “No. I just do it. Someone has to do it.”

What are your dreams? she wanted to know, but never asked. Didn’t have the words to ask. She thought she knew, anyway. Everything she knew about her mother was secondhand guessing, assumptions filtered through a whitewashed colander. It doesn’t matter how much money you earn, it matters how much money you save. That sounds like something her mother could have said. And it’s a strange thing to realize that if she switches out the money with love, the same would still hold some form of true: It doesn’t matter how much love you earn, it matters how much love you save.

3

Khmai Takeout

I don’t cook much, or ever, being the lazy twentysomething millenial ass that I am, so after work I call my favorite local restaurant, Phnom Penh, to order some takeout. A man answers. “Hello? This Phnom Penh.”

“Hi. Can I get the chicken fried rice?” I ask.

“Yes. You mean the…the chicken rice or the chicken–uh–basil rice?” I could hear him struggle to connect his words in coherent English syntax.

“Uh…what’s in each one?”

“The chicken fried rice–has uh…it has chicken, green onion…tomato–”

That sounds about right. “Okay, I’ll have that one.”

“Okay. Can I have your name please?”

I pause. “Leer-kaw-nah.” I say my name the anglicized way, the white people way. I regret it as soon as the last syllable drops from my mouth.

He doesn’t notice of course, and tells me my order will be ready in fifteen minutes.

Traffic is pretty slow, but I also stop by Autozone to get a couple of things, taking extra time to make sure I don’t end up sitting alone in the corner in awkward silence while waiting for my to-go dinner to be ready, as has happened many times before. When I arrive at the restaurant, I spy a lone carton sheathed in a plastic bag at one of the empty tables. It must be my order.

The owner of the restaurant, also the man I spoke with over the phone, spies me through the little window that separates kitchen from dining area. “You order the fried rice?”

“Yes.” I wonder, not for the first time, if he recognizes me. I’ve eaten at this restaurant since college, but only a handful of times at most. I came here for a celebratory luncheon with family after my graduation, which could have been more memorable to him. We were loud and many and Asian, and had shown up without a reservation. There was the fobbish cousin, the whitewashed cousin, the mother gabbing away in Khmer at the speed of light, and everyone else, all shades of brown and tan, including me.

My Cambodianness had shone through then. My hair had been longer then. Now, I was alone, with nothing to show but my short hair and my short American words, my Asianness read as Chinese and nothing more–even by the random black guy on the street who had greeted me with “ni hao” the other day, and moved on without another thought.

“That’s it right there.” He gestures to the bag I had suspected was mine, and taps the bill for emphasis.

I pull out my credit card, telling myself, I can just say it: Aw-gohn. Say thank you in Khmer, then he’ll know for sure.

Why does it matter so much, chides an ambivalent part of me.

Because…I am Cambodian, the other part of me retorts. He’s Cambodian. This is a Cambodian restaurant. Why shouldn’t I identify myself as Cambodian?

The owner comes over to the table, takes my card, and says, “Thank you” in English. I could have responded in kind, in Khmer,engaged in that strange exchange of thank you’s where no one wants to break the chain by saying “you’re welcome” in fear of sounding rude or arrogant, where gratitude becomes yet another meaningless transaction in our capitalist quid pro quo culture. I could have, but I don’t. It doesn’t feel like the right moment.

He’s swiping my card. Has he ever bothered to look at the name printed on it? Looked past the erratic spelling and found Cambodian quality? (Leh!-keh-nah means “quality” in Khmer. I confirmed this in a secondhand Cambodian-to-English/English-to-Cambodian dictionary I’ve kept with me since I began living on my own.)

Guess not. He returns it to me without so much as a glance, along with a receipt for me to sign. “Thank you,” he says again, and leaves before I have a chance to decide whether to squeeze in my aw-gohn. I’ll definitely say it when it’s time to say goodbye, I reassure myself. That’s the most appropriate time anyway-when I’ve signed the receipt. Then I could just hand it over to him and thank him for his service–in Khmer.

I sign the receipt and look up. He’s busy bustling around the kitchen, preparing more food, taking more orders, although the restaurant is mostly empty. I realize I’m just another customer. I leave the receipt on the table and walk out with my dinner, the question of why I didn’t just say my name the right way to begin with chasing at my heels. Is it because I’m secretly ashamed of being Cambodian? I wonder.

No, that disconcerting voice replies, it’s because you are ashamed of not being Cambodian enough.